The Movie: Heart Eyes
The Director: Josh Ruben
The Cast: Olivia Holt, Mason Gooding, Gigi Zumbado, Michaela Watkins, Devon Sawa, Jordana Brewster
The Story: For the past several years, the “Heart Eyes Killer” has wreaked havoc on Valentine’s Day by stalking and murdering romantic couples. This Valentine’s Day, no couple is safe.
The Rating: 5 / 10
The Review:
Okay, so I'm still not quite sure what to make of this movie. It's a bloody slasher film that's also kind of a comedy and could nearly be labeled as parody and yet it the story never fully commits to any of those things. The whole thing is just sort of a mess that is at times entertaining and fun but ends up more confusing and awkward than anything else. Example: Jordanna Brewster of Fast and Furious fame is in the movie as a cop and her last name in the movie is Shaw while her partner's last name is Hobbs. The movie actually acknowledges this by calling out the fact that the two names are also characters from the Fast franchise and the moment is kind of funny but also very awkward because what the heck.
Before I go on with anything else, I have to talk about how this movie is set in Seattle although absoutely none of it, other than some stock footage and a couple scenes where the iconic Space Needle has been pasted in, was shot in or anywhere near Seattle. As a matter of fact, the movie was filmed in New Zealand of all places and the practical reason why is because the city of Seattle and the state of Washington have no real incentives for studios to make their films there whereas New Zealand makes every effort to attract as many film productions as possible because they undertnad that it has economic value and drives tourism.
I'm thoroughly convinced that no one involved with this movie had any idea what Seattle looks and feels like as a city and none of them probably cared to even look into it in any way because none of it looks or feels like any part of Seattle. Sure, its just a movie but Seattle police would not be showing up at a vineyard because there are none in the city of Seattle. There are also no palm tree at SeaTac airport or anywhere else in the state for that matter. Also, the airport isn't some tiny little building like we see in the movie, it's a major international hub.
I coud go on for a while about the inaccuracies and blatant disregard for making any effort to actually capture anything resembling Seattle but you get the idea. I think that also sums up this movie as a whole. It's like someone had a good idea for a Valentine's Day slasher villain but no one cared about any other aspect of the movie. Just plug the basic idea into an algorithm, let it spit out the details, and then hire people to make it into a movie. Yes, I understand a lot of people worked really hard on this movie and they deserve respect for their efforts but the more I think about this movie, the more I'm just like, wow did anyone involved actually want to make this movie or were they just there to collect a paycheck and move on. Even if that's the case, I respect that as well.
By the way, I have to mention that director Josh Ruben made a really cool and really fun horror movie a few years ago that you absoltuely should check out. It's called Werewolves Within and it stars Milana Vayntrub who you might remember from the very successful AT&T ad campaign from about the same time period. I would much rather you watch that movie than spend any time with this Heart Eyes thing.
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